I was an idiot and hooked up a ribbon cable wrong way round on the Pi so the pins were in reverse on the adafruit cobbler.
I then followed this guide and hooked pin 39 (ground) to the red wire, pin 35(GPIO19) to the black wire, and pin 34 (Ground) to the yellow (data) wire. I have no idea what affect this might have had on the Pi. I futzed around placing these cables in a few permutations of those same pins and obviously none of the temperature sensors showed up in /sys/bus/w1/devices.
Now, I figured out that I had things swapped, hooked things up according to the diagram and still got no sensors posting.
So I removed all of the sensors and followed this guide to try every permutation of regular power, parasitic power, and dtoverlay configuration that I could think of. None of these result in sensors that show up with a directory starting with "28" in /sys/bus/w1/devices.
Now I'm stuck wondering if I've damaged the sensors, the Pi, or am simply missing something stupid about how to set up these sensors or the various drivers.
Current last line of /boot/config.txt:
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